


Communal Wing Grooming

by WolfRampant



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Crowley is stuck in Heaven, Heaven, M/M, The Sound of Music References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:48:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25769941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfRampant/pseuds/WolfRampant
Summary: Crowley went to Heaven disguised as Aziraphale prepared for archangelic wrath. What he got was much worse.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Gabriel (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Gabriel (Good Omens), Crowley & Heaven
Comments: 15
Kudos: 34





	1. There's still a hope for you

“Aziraphale!” 

Gabriel’s booming voice was so loud that it must have been a miracle that the floor to ceiling windows that made out Heaven’s grand and high - and empty - rooms. Crowley had to flinch but the archangel didn’t seem to notice. He rushed towards him and put his hands around him far too tightly in a parody of a hug. “Thank God we managed to get you. I was so worried when I realized what happened...what is…” Gabriel took one step back staring dumbfounded at the tape that sealed his mouth shut and ropes that tied his hands together as if he had just noticed them. If his reaction wasn’t a tiny bit too exaggerated, Crowley would almost say that Gabriel was a good actor. “Why is he tied up?” Gabriel turned to Sandalphon and Uriel with disappointment in his face. “Why did you tie him up?”

“Precaution,” Sandalphon answered with the voice that already grated on Crowley’s nerves - and he didn’t even speak that much.

“Precaution?” Gabriel creased his brows as if he never heard the word before.

“We can’t know how much control the demon has over him,” Uriel’s voice didn’t sound friendly. When Crowley craned his head to the side he saw she was giving him dirty look too. “We can’t risk that the demon didn’t instruct him to do as much damage as he can when presented with the opportunity. He already created enough problems.”

Lovely. Crowley felt indignant on Aziraphale’s behalf. His angel, a problem? He knew that Heaven didn’t regard Aziraphale high - not even low, but suspecting him of attacking Heaven. Aziraphale, an angel so passive and non-aggressive that he accepted all the bullying and abuse from assholes like Gabriel with a smile on his face. That was low even for them.

“But it’s Aziraphale! Surely it can’t be that bad.” Gabriel waved his hands around and pointed at Crowley as if it explained everything- Possibly that Aziraphale was bound and docile. Of course, he broke this impression the next moment when he took off the tape and loosened the ropes. “Now, that’s better. See. It’s going to be alright, Aziraphale. We’ve got you,” Gabriel said as if he was speaking down to a small child - or a dog.

“Well, you could have sent a message,” Crowley went back to his script. “I mean, kidnapping? And in broad daylight?”

“But we had to do it,” Gabriel defended himself. “We had to get you away from the dirty demon as soon as possible before he got his poisonous fangs into you even deeper.”

“Venomous.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s venomous.” Satan, did it irritate Crowley when people got the two confused. “If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. If  _ you  _ bite it and you die, then it’s poisonous.”

Gabriel made a disgusted face. “Did you bite him?”

“What? No!” Crowley protested even if he wasn’t completely sure what Gabriel even meant by that weird question.

Gabriel slapped his hands together. His mouth formed an insincere smile. “Good. I knew there’s still hope for you.”

“That’s good,” Crowley answered carefully.

“And I just want you to know I forgive you. For what you did and said down on Earth. I know that things were beyond your control.”

Did it mean that Heaven was just going to slap Aziraphale on the fingers? That would be...more generous than he or real Aziraphale presumed. 

“Oh, thank you,” said Crowley with Aziraphale’s mouth. His angel was a generous kind of person, he would give him something equal in return even if he didn’t think it. “And I forgive you. I am glad you realized that it was the greater good.”

“Greater good? No, no, sunshine. I know the demon put you up to it.”

Ah. It seemed he was mistaken. There was part of him that wished, that hoped that Heaven wasn’t as horrible to Aziraphale as he suspected. That they somehow will be as advertised. He was wrong. As he expected. It seemed that he and Aziraphale were on the same boat. Kindred spirits. Unappreciated employees with horrible bosses.

“I guess then that this is the part where you start with my punishment?” Crowley couldn’t stop some of the coldness he felt from creeping into his voice.

To his surprise, Gabriel started to laugh. Just as his voice his laugh was loud and booming - and sounded as he was forcing it out and not finding anything funny at all. “Punishment. Of course, we aren’t going to punish you. Didn’t you just listen to anything I said?”

Given that most of Gabriel said didn’t make much sense Crowley didn’t know how to answer this one. “So I can go?” he asked instead hopefully.

“No! Definitely not! Back to that horrible demon? After what had just happened? Of course, you can’t go.”

As the said horrible demon, Crowley pressed his teeth together. He was starting to think that Heaven was under an entirely incorrect impression. “Then what is the point of all of this. Surely you didn’t have me kidnapped just to have a chat.”

Just bring out the hellfire and be done with this charade. From what he knew of Gabriel via Aziraphale and Hell’s hearsay, he didn’t take the archangel as a one for overcomplicated ploys. Far too straightforward not to mention stupid for that. That’s why this endlessly confused him.

Gabriel closed his eyes and pretended to be under some internal struggle. “Of course you don’t know. I should have known. Otherwise, you would have given us some sign.” Gabriel took a few hesitant steps forward and put his hand on his shoulder, squeezing it comfortingly. “But don’t worry, we are going to make you better.”

“Okay,” said Crowley slowly, eyeing Gabriel with trepidation. “What is this about?”

“Gabriel,” Uriel called from where she stood. “Just tell him. Clearly.”

“I hate to be a bearer of bad news,” Gabriel tried for what Crowley guessed was supposed to be sympathetic so naturally he ended up looking like he was a terrible toothache. “But it appears that the demon Crowley had got you under his control. He made you do his bidding and go against the Great Plan.”

The demon Crowley couldn’t help it. For a moment he forgot he was supposed to pretend to be Aziraphale. He started to laugh. The very idea! That he would be able to control Aziraphale and make him do something that he didn’t want to? It was patently ridiculous. If Crowley had power like this, he wouldn’t have danced around the oblivious angel for six bloody thousand years. 

“Aziraphale!” Gabriel barked. “This is serious.”

“Sorry, sorry. But come on, Gabriel. What gave you an idea like that? Crowley is...nobody important.”

Gabriel shook his head. “You just don’t see it. You are so deep under Crowley’s spell that you don’t realize it. And from what we have just recently learned about Crowley, he is sneaky and manipulative. He has schemes within schemes. Aziraphale I know is a loyal angel. You would have never stood against God’s plan. Crowley forced you to act against your will. He was probably laying on his curse slowly and discreetly that you didn’t even notice. We certainly didn’t until the very last moment. I bet that what you did seemed perfectly natural, perfectly natural. But trust me, buddy, if you were aware of what you were doing, you’d be pretty horrified.”

You don’t know Aziraphale at all, do you? Crowley thought with a sneer.

Did the idiot really believe that Crowley put some demonic whammy on Aziraphale and made him his personal puppet? The archangel had to be grasping at straws, trying to find any comprehensible reason why Aziraphale might have turned against Heaven - and wash the smell of failure off himself. A demon did it? What a convenient excuse. One that Crowley heard plenty of times.

But it put Crowley on precarious ground. It seemed that at the present time Heaven didn’t plan to punish Aziraphale, let alone destroy him. That was good news...for Aziraphale. 

The longer Crowley stayed in Heaven, then likely it was that he would be discovered. Why, for all that was bad and rotten, couldn’t be its customary horrible self and just thrown him into a Hellfire, just as he and Aziraphale suspected - mistakenly - that they would. By this time he could have been on his way back home, leaving a bunch of horrified archangels behind.

“How can you be sure?” he asked, playing for time. He tried to insert a note of concern into his voice. Aziraphale would be worried if someone told him that he was being controlled by his nemesis, wouldn’t he? At the very least he would pretend to in front of his bosses.

This time Gabriel put both his hands on his shoulders. “I know it’s a scary thought that the demon took over your mind and made you betray Heaven. But we are here to help you, Aziraphale, don’t worry. I even sent an urgent summons for Raphael and ordered one whole choir to pray to the Almighty for help. We’ll get you out of it. You’ll be right as the sun again. That nasty demon won’t touch you again. I promise.”

“But…”

Gabriel didn’t let him protest. He said almost tenderly: “And if you know how can I be sure that it’s all Crowley’s doing? If you did all of this on your own free will, surely God would have already punished you a long time ago. But you haven’t fallen...and that gives me hope that you can still be saved.”

That was...Gabriel’s faith was almost touching. If it weren’t for one obvious flaw. Crowley almost dreaded to ask. “What is going to happen to me?”

“Don’t worry. No-one is blaming you for what happened. You are going to stay here form now on. We’ll find the way to reverse it.”

“How?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Gabriel said honestly. “But we’ll do anything we can,” Gabriel must have thought he was giving a solemn promise. To Crowley, it sounded like a threat. “But there’s nothing that a little bit of Heavenly love hadn’t yet helped to fix.”

Crowley just knew it. He was doomed. 


	2. Demons are for smiting, not chatting

“So you have no recollection of any of this?”

Michael’s voice was cold and scathing. One thing was clear. She definitely didn’t trust him. Crowley would bet that she didn’t buy into poor Aziraphale controlled by a dastardly demon one bit. If it weren’t for Gabriel, who insisted that he accompany Crowley, hovering in the background and reprimanding her with soft “Michael” whenever she got too harsh and accusative, the warrior archangel would go full interrogation on him from the beginning. 

Crowley stared dumbly at the photos presented to him. The subject was the same in all of them. He and Aziraphale standing - or sitting - side by side. Crowley had a satisfied and indulgent smirk he used to hide his love for the angel in all of them. If Aziraphale didn’t look indignant at something Crowley had just said in some of the photographs, his lips were graced by a small soft smile on the rest.

There were dozen of these photos on the table in front of him, but he knew that it was only a sample of everything heaven had on them. They went back a long time, to the Ancient Rome and Crowley wondered why no-one ever used them to accuse Aziraphale of treason until now.

He had thought how subtle and clever he was. He thought they were careful. With all their secret code-words for meeting location, running into each other as if by mere chance. He wanted to ask where Michael got these when she presented them to him. But of course, a reaction like this could just as well be an outright admission of guilt. If Crowley pretended that he didn’t remember - that Aziraphale didn’t remember - then he wouldn’t be required to explain. Because Crowley didn’t know how to explain and on the face of it, it was rather condemning evidence of treason. 

“Try to remember,” Michael said forcefully when Crowley remained silent.

“I...maybe...it’s awfully foggy. I can see only some flashes.” Crowley lied. Let them think that  _ Crowley  _ enchanted him so he didn’t remember the encounters or couldn’t think of them. He considered pretending that the effort alone pained him, but while that might alarm Gabriel, he doubted that Michael would have much sympathy for him.

“Try harder,” Michael forced out.

“Come on, Michael, don’t you see the poor guy is trying?” Gabriel called out.

It was obvious on Michael’s face that she was trying very hard not to turn around and send Gabriel to Hell for his constant interruptions. She transformed her expression into a huge fake smile that looked absolutely unnatural on her face. “Why don’t we start at the beginning. Maybe it will be easier to remember for you. When did you saw the demon Crowley for the first time?”

“He was at Eden.” That was vague enough. Everybody knew that Crowley was the one to tempt Eve and cause the fall of humans from grace. But it didn’t say anything about what exactly happened.

Of course, Michael didn’t let him get away with so little as this. “And? Did you see him? Did you interact with him?” In the periphery, Crowley saw Gabriel straighten and lean closer to hear better.

Crowley looked at the damning photographs in front of him. The top one was a rather nice shot of two of them strolling through the park of newly constructed Versailles. Crowley was there to temp, Aziraphale to see the sights and try if the cuisine was truly fit for a king. These snatched moments he spent with the angel were the only happiness he knew. He kept them close to his heart. To have them spread out here made his inside churn. He felt as if Michael desecrated them just by looking at the pictures.

He couldn’t be sure how many of these photos Michael had. There could be a snapshot of him and Aziraphale standing on the walls of Eden, the angel shielding him with his wing against the rain. For all he knew, Michael could even have a word by word recording of their conversations. She could be just waiting to whip them out to catch him lying. 

“We exchanged few words,” Crowley answered reluctantly. Always go with the truth, but not the whole truth, that was his motto.

“Few words? You shouldn’t have talked to him at all.” Gabriel’s voice was more exasperated than angry. “How many times you have to be told, Aziraphale? Demons are for smiting, not chatting.”

Crowley pretended to be rueful. “Well, the deed was already done. Adam and Eve had already been exiled from Eden. I didn’t see any harm.”

Gabriel threw his head back and sighed theatrically. “Any harm?”

Michael pierced him with a hard stare. “Aziraphale, you know what the first duty of an angel is.” It was a part statement, part question.

“Um,” what was the first duty of an angel? “Protect humanity?” he tried.

Michael rolled her eyes. “No, Aziraphale,” she spoke as if she was talking to a small child.” the first duty of an angel is to obey the Almighty.” 

“Oh.” Crowley didn’t know if what Michael was saying was true. It could very well be true. His memories of a time before the Fall were vague but he remembered a lot of compliance - and a rebellion when all that ordering around got too suffocating. And Aziraphale always said that Heaven was very keen on angels following orders.

On the other hand, Archangels could very well spin this fact in their benefit and extend some divine privileges to themselves. It came down to the question if it was just the Lord Almighty or the Archangel who were to be obeyed. Crowley suspected that the Archangels, in their arrogance didn’t see the difference.

Nevertheless, Crowley wasn’t in the position right now to debate the point with them. 

He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “I was just trying to do the right thing.”

Gabriel facepalmed. “I can’t think of any time  _ not _ smiting a demon would be right.” Just like Michael, Gabriel sounded as he was lecturing a small child. “Don’t you see that this was the moment he got his claws into you.”

Crowley rather thought that this was the moment Aziraphale got his claws into Crowley but of course he couldn’t tell that to Gabriel. 

“I don’t think he did anything. He didn’t even touch me.”

Michael glared at him. “You only showed your weakness to the demon by not destroying him at sight.”

Crowley pursed his lips at the insult. Aziraphale was anything but weak. He tried to think of a way Aziraphale would defend himself...and him. And wasn!t it a weird situation that he had to come up with something to defend  _ himself _ , a little measly demon? What would Aziraphale say about him?

“Crowley isn’t even that powerful.” 

Michael narrowed her eyes. “Really?” There was plenty of fo suspicion in her eyes. “Then how did he suborn you?” Her tone was icy cold. Crowley feared that he misstepped. After all, if Aziraphale wasn’t mind-controlled by the demon, then the only logical conclusion was that he betrayed Heaven on his own.

Luckily Gabriel continued to believe what he wanted to believe. “Well, this is worse than we even expected.”

“Gabriel…” Michael started but her brother archangel didn’t hear her. Or just ignored her.

“He twisted your mind really bad. You don’t even see him as a threat!” 

“Gabriel!” Michael said more loudly.

“Yes?”

“Could I have a word, please?”

“Alright.” Gabriel shrugged.

Michael flicked her eyes in Crowley’s direction. “In private.”

“Oh,” understanding dawned on Gabriel’s face. He clapped Crowley hard on the shoulder. “Why don’t you wait outside, buddy. It will be quick, I’ll be right with you.”

It was obvious that Michael didn’t agree with Gabriel’s words but she didn’t protest as Crowley headed gratefully for the exit. But her narrowed eyes followed him till the door shut behind him.

To his surprise, no-one waited for him on the other side. Surely Gabriel and above all Michael wouldn’t just let him spend one second in Heaven unsupervised. They suspected he was in league with a demon.

Crowley looked suspiciously around. There were more angels further down the corridor. They appeared to be going about their work and if they looked at him their eyes immediately slid off him as if he was no interest.

Crowley suspected ploy by Michael. One of them must be assigned to watch him from distance and see if he would take an opportunity to slip away. Michael would then used as proof of Aziraphale’s guilt.

They could be that stupid. And it was too good a chance to escape. Crowley was sure that Aziraphale’s visit to Hell hadn’t turned out similar pain in the ass like for him. He must already be in their arranged meeting place and waiting for his body back.

Crowley cast one last look around. No-one paid him any mind. He legged it.

  
  
  


Five minutes later Crowley was utterly lost.

They took the elevator to reach the level where Michael interrogated him. Crowley managed to locate it and board it without any issue. All he had to return to the entrance level and leave for Earth. He couldn’t find it.

He was starting to sweat. He imagined wandering around Heaven until soldiers catch up to him. He jabbed a random button. The elevator lurched sideways. Crowley cursed when a moment later it opened into a room that looked a bit like bullpen complete with angels around watercoolers. 

Pushing random buttons wasn’t going to work. Maybe he should just ask? He eyed the angels speculatively. He could ask and be gone before they even thought to question why would anyone wouldn’t know their way around Heaven.

He took one step out of the elevator and coughed, going for Aziraphale’s iron courteousness, “Excuse me?”

“Aziraphale?”

The elevator door behind Crowley closed.

“Is that really you?”

The angel who spoke was tall. Almost as tall as Crowley when he was in his proper body. He was also skinny, he had sharp cheekbones and his eyes were pure solid gold. 

“Yep, it’s me,” Crowley admitted.

The angel laughed and he took a few long steps to come to closer. “How long has it been?”

Crowley had no idea who the angel was. Besides his bosses, Aziraphale didn’t mention any other angel. As far as he knew Aziraphale didn’t speak with any other inhabitant of Heaven.

Crowley hazarded a guess. “Ages.”

“Way too long,” the angel agreed and put his hands on his shoulder. He gazed at him fondly as if he just beheld something appetizing. Crowley didn’t like it one bit. “Why did you never visit.”

Just who was this angel? And what was he to Aziraphale?

“Well, you know how it is, I was awfully busy on Earth.”

“Of course, I heard that you are a big thing over in Earth Relations. But not even one little visit. Did I matter so little to you?”

Crowley gritted his teeth. Aziraphale had some explaining to do. Except Aziraphale didn’t have to explain anything because Crowley reminded himself for millionth time Aziraphale wasn’t his lover. 

“Well, you could have visited me on Earth.”

The angel sighed dramatically. “You know how is it, they just don’t give the pass down just to anybody. But you are here now. We can catch up since you are back from Earth.”

“Actually, I was heading back down. You don’t happen to know…”

The angel interrupted him. “That’s terrible. Are they sending you back down again when Armageddon was postponed? Humans can survive a few days without your guidance. You deserve a vacation. You should lodge a protest.”

While Crowley agreed that Aziraphale deserved vacation, it shouldn’t in Heaven.

“It’s alright. I rather like it on Earth.”

The angel looked at him as if Crowley carried some unimaginable burden. “You simply must stay at least for a few days. We’ve missed you.” he urged him. “Come with me to the poolside. I am sure you have a lot of exciting stories to tell about smiting demons others would love to share.” The angel looked just about ready to dragCrowley with him. Crowley dreaded to imagine what was hidden under the name poolside. He imagined a swimming pool filled to the brim with holy water and shuddered.

The elevator dinged open.

“Aziraphale!” never had Crowley been more relieved for the Archangel Himbo Gabriel to show up. “I was looking everywhere for you. Why did you wander off?” Gabriel tried to sound cheerful but there was something guarded in his tone. Crowley looked over him. Even his posture was careful and he was clearly keeping his distance. Michael must have got through to him.

It was an irony. He needed Gabriel on his side, on the side of poor innocent befuddled Aziraphale. He needed Gabriel fooled because the alternative was much worse: Michael.

Crowley smiled innocently. “I just took the opportunity to catch up with an old friend.”

“Ah,” the simple explanation made Gabriel relax a little. “I see.” He only just seemed to notice the other angel. “And you are…?

“Temonel, sir! I shared a desk with Aziraphale just after the creation.”

Temonel sounded way too much in awe of the high ranked idiot. 

“Well, Temonel, I assure you that you will have plenty of time to catch up with Aziraphale in the future but I really need him urgently.”

“Of course, sir. Does it mean he is staying in Heaven from now on.”

“Yes! He already did so much work on Earth he deserves his just reward in Heaven,” Gabriel laughed. “But now we really must go.”

“Goodbye, Aziraphale, I’ll get in touch.”

Crowley said nothing as Gabriel dragged him into an elevator and glared at Temonel as his lithe tall body was obscured by the doors. Really, he only needed red hair instead of brown and he could be Crowley. 

Gabriel pulled him out of his jealous fit. 

“Aziraphale, you can’t just wander around.”

“Oh? I thought Heaven was my home.”

“Look, I know it isn’t your fault. But you are sick. We have no idea what…” Gabriel focused on the next word intently, “...trigger the demon left in your mind. You could go on a rampage. You could seriously hurt someone. You’ll have to remain under supervision.”

Crowley just knew that was coming if he remained stuck in Heaven. But he had to play obedient little angel, just like Aziraphale had to for six thousand years. “If you think that’s for the best.”

Gabriel smiled in satisfaction. “Don’t be sad. Bear it at least until Raphael gets back. I bet he’ll be able to cure you.”


End file.
